0586 (3 letters)
letter 1 (on free paper)
My Eliane, (I wonder if I still have the right to call you that way)
It's a very hard time for me, I can not recover since these terrible days. Nothing is going well and I do not feel able to work. I feel that I can not do anything when out of the love I have for you and the one you had. Though there is one important thing that nothing can replace, it is the beautiful qualities that you have and that few people possess. You can reassure yourself about your mental strength because if you consider that I could be different, none of this would have happened. While one is tempted to believe that I with anybody, things would take that direction or form.
Another sad (news) 2 days before the happening, Alan caught the mumps, his wife is frantic, we do not do the trick yet everyone had been warned, the newspapers were talking about it, well it will take place in Spring.
Still nothing regarding the insurance, not seen lolas who phoned me, a lot of trouble we'll see but you could have written to me at least as a war godmother. I love you Arman
letter 2 (on letterhead "hotel Chelsea")
I'm pretty tired right now, it's bad time, I can not find peace and quiet in any way, there are hundreds of letters that I do not write to you because I'm talking to myself and to you and I make both the answers and the questions. I am in a state of perpetual mental and physical nausea, everything requires efforts. I still hope that I will get out of it, but not for the moment - and that on all levels - because I lack of liveliness and enthusiasm.
In Nice I was suffering from your sufferings and my dissatisfaction, here I am suffering from your absence and my dissatisfaction. If at least I could love Joan and be happy with her it would be from a selfish point of view a lesser evil, but it does not work and I do not have that reaction with the background of good health that you always imagine I must have, to catch up with another girl with determination. No, I'm tired and that's no longer fun for me. As I told you over the phone the feeling that I have of tainted goggles and that I can not take them off to really see the sun during the day, I am powerless to taste life and the smallest things.
My activities here are not slowed down but God it is heavy. Maybe I'll rent a room at the Chelsea on a year-round basis and with a low price, but I'll be able to sublet it when I'm not here. I have complications with my "income tax" it would be necessary that you make me roughly a memo of what I received as checks in the year 65, but in my name and pretty much what I spent . (Drawing of a spider) I still ask you stuff to do, what a bore. I would just like to ask you to put my head on your knees and forget the time and worries.
I saw Kono yesterday, it is likely that I am invited to Japan one of these next days, it would be nice I hope that you will find the time to come with me.
For the money the little money that I took is quickly melting away and I hope I'll make it without selling too much things set aside for the start of the school year.
It would take you to phone Ginou in Brussels to get an idea of when you can have money.
More than a therapy, I think what I really need is 15 days a month of rest without anything to do or think.
Eliane, my Eliane, you're not lucky to have such a weak and sick man
I kiss you very hard with my soul Arman
Letter 3 (on letterhead "hotel Chelsea")
It's still going as badly. I believe that there are different parameters to consider, first a certain fear of death, the total refusal of the relativity of my existence ; after the refusal of your death because it must also mean a part of mine, as a result : the refusal of my aging and the refusal of yours, even if it is facts. In addition to existential fulfillment questions, I am not satisfied with myself or you. In terms of success, I'm not happy with my American campaign and I want to punish myself and punish everyone.
I punish myself and punish you then for the following facts : I have aged you have aged, I do not feel harmonious, nor you either. I am not recognized as I hoped to be, etc. etc. etc.
and believe me no substitute can get me out of this impasse, for now only the playful side of existence could satisfy me provided that I have the necessary appetite. But the above explains the lack of appetite that I must have in reserve.
The playful side of creation.
The playful side of writing.
But likewise for all this one needs some appetite.
I have been for some time now with very short exceptions more driven in my actions by the need to survive more than by the very content of the acts.
I think if I can manage to make it for two or three months, a holiday that cuts all the bridges with my activities might allow me to regain enough strength to have more appetite.
This statement is nonetheless relative, if it were absolute I would at the same time purge my inhibitions but as you know, there are still other roots that go back to the very being and its primary motivations, those can not be apprehended so easily and eradicated from me in the same way. Nevertheless this kind of confession of very precise facts I believe is the proof of the true and deep love that I carry you. Arman